Joanna!!!!!! WHAT???!!! I just woke up to reading this! My goodness woman...our stories (or at least our husbands) sound very similar.
My husband too is the most intelligent man I know! Yet, the men that raised him taught him a language of being critical, judgemental, to treat women like objects and making him perform at an impossible standard towards; life, business and relationships!
Though his grit and strong mind have helped him become a very successful entrepreneur, it has definitely hindered him from having long lasting meaningful relationships through his deficiency in his personal conduct with people.
I'm always asking God to show me who he really is and He always does! I've tried to share with my husband how I see him. I see him as that little 9-year-old boy who is so helpful and kind and happy. But when his father left him and his cousins raised him, that's when he was taught a new way of living.
Becoming cynical, critical and holding people to an impossible standard became a way of living for him. He unfortunately became the very thing that he hated. The people that abused him and bullied him has now become a part of his personality.
I hate this because I know the real him! I know how kind and gentle and helpful and loving he is! I've seen all these things, I've shared all these things with him. However, he is not choosing to see me for who I really am in God's eyes.
But the Lord told me that before I was Mike's wife, I was always His BRIDE! So I'm trying to get a clear vision of how valuable and accepted and loved I am - in Jesus!
I would like to say that the knowledge of this has been enough for me to walk around with joy everyday... But honestly it's not. There are days where I feel like I can't stop crying, I can't get this pit out of my stomach, I can't get the thoughts to stop about him with somebody else and it gets to be sometimes overwhelming!
Yet everyday there's fresh love, fresh grace, fresh anointing, fresh wisdom and fresh revelation for me to walk in with the Lord.
So that's where I'm at today! I'm waking up to a new day with Jesus! No matter what happens today, no matter what man chooses to do to me, a greater Man has already done something much more wonderful by laying down His life for me!
I choose today to focus on the Cross, to focus on the love of God that He has for me! To focus on the purpose and the plan He has predestined for me before He named one star!
Thank you for your loving words! Please keep praying for me as I'm walking through this storm! Thank you friend!
If you ever felt comfortable, I would love to exchange emails or phone numbers with you and potentially pray with you on the phone. You sound amazing and I would love to have a new friend to walk this through with! 🙏